Fun and Frivolous

Sometimes you just wanna have fun. Post a stupid photo, upload a dumbass video. You know silly shit. Well, this is place for it, baby. All things retarded and pointless go right here.

What do you call them? I know you know what I’m talking about…

You’re flipping. Then you see it, and you stop dead in your tracks. You can’t flip anymore, and you have to watch the rest of it… every time you come across it.

For me, it’s always “Goodfellas”, “Casino”, “Open Range”, or to a lesser extent, 80′s movies like, “Pretty in Pink”, “Sixteen Candles”, or “Saint Elmo’s Fire”.

Don’t judge me.

Is there a name for these movies? “Flip Stoppers” seems a bit contrived… but oddly appropriate.

What are yours? And what do you call them?

 

The best part about being a dad.

I dunno. Some moments you just treasure more than others, you know? Sometimes during the course of the day, things happen that make you just pause and realize how great it is to just be, “that guy”.

Last night my daughter came into the room because she had a bad dream. All she wanted to do was climb into bed.

I didn’t have to lift a finger, I didn’t have to buy a Barbie, I didn’t have to cut chicken tenders, I didn’t have to kill a bug, or open a jar, or do anything except just be a dad.

So she got into bed, got herself situated under the covers and I fell back asleep with my arm over her.

Best. Night. Ever.

 

Oh… cool.

I just found out I paid off my car. I had thought it was coming up but I didn’t know that I had completely paid it off. I just called Capital One to check the balance, and the little automated voice told me that it was paid off and my title is being shipped in the next couple of weeks.

So, no credit card debt, no car payment, and no other obligations besides a mortgage payment (which is ridiculously low thanks to a timely refinance… we’re talking less than I paid in rent over 15 years ago).

I could theoretically live off of working at Toys R Us.

I wonder if they’re hiring?

You know, the first step is admitting you have a problem…

I just had the oddest experience. I was walking down the hall at work when I caught myself thinking about something.

No, that part’s not the “odd part”. The odd part was what I was thinking about.

I was thinking about peanut butter. Specifically, I was thinking about “Smucker’s All Natural Smooth Peanut Butter with Honey”.

I have an almost uncontrollable addiction to nut butters. I love them. I eat them on Triscuits. I spread them on whole wheat bread. I eat them on bananas. I have absolutely no ability to moderate my intake of any particular nut butter. It gets worse when it’s almond butter. I daresay I could polish off an entire jar of almond butter in one sitting and not blink twice.

So there I was, walking down the hall at work thinking, “boy, I can’t wait to get home tonight and eat some peanut butter on some Triscuits”.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I don’t know, but I guarantee, whatever it is, it can be fixed by spreading a little peanut butter on it.

Is there a name for this? “Embarrassment Coupon” perhaps?

I recently got on a Cafe Verona kick. Dark, “chocolatey”, it’s really a delicious coffee, and so lately I’ve been snapping up Starbucks Cafe Verona anyplace I can find them. I’ve got a little single-cup coffee maker at work. Black and Decker. It makes one little cup of coffee, and usually during the course of the day I’ll make a couple cups. It wasn’t until I was on my second or third bag, that I discovered that Starbucks will give you a free cup of coffee if you take the bag back into any Starbucks Coffee. “Hmmm” I thought, “that’s pretty cool. It’d be nice to be able to stop by Starbucks one day when I’m out and about and know that I’ve got a free cup of coffee coming my way”.

So a couple days ago, I finished a bag and before I could throw it away, remembered to save it. I took it out to my car and put the empty bag in the middle console between the two front seats.

And there it sat. Mocking me.

Was I so pathetic, that in order to get a free cup of coffee, I was willing to walk all the way into the Mall clutching an empty bag of trash? I don’t carry a purse, so it’s not like I had any clever place to “hide” it on my way in. No, I was going to have to walk into Starbucks and hand over my empty trash and say, “here’s my empty bag, can I have my little free cup of Pike Place Blend, please?”

That was when I realized the genius of Starbucks. They know you’re not going to redeem that shit. They know if you’re going to plunk down $7 for a bag of ground coffee, that you’re not the type of person who looks for ways to get a 90-cent cup of coffee for free. Oh sure, you might try to tell yourself, “well, they’re going to recycle them”, but you know that won’t happen. The little Emo Barrista behind the counter is going to look you over, judgmentally sneer, fill a little cup up with some coffee he was about to throw out, toss your little bag in the trash, then talk shit about you to all his friends when you leave. “Dude, today this guy brought in an empty bag of coffee in so he could get his free cup of coffee… I know, right?” Not to mention the looks you’ll get from every customer in the place. I mean, if I was in line and you approached the counter and offered up and empty bag of trash in exchange for a cup of coffee, I’d be like, “man… here… lemme buy you a Venti, bro…”.

So I mean, there has to be a name for that, right? You offer someone something you KNOW they’re never going to redeem, but you look good offering it. It gives people a nice, warm, fuzzy feeling, but in the end, nobody’s pathetic enough to redeem it without submitting to some kind of “walk of shame” and taking a few self-esteem hits.

I think I’ll call it, “An Embarrassment Coupon”.

Oh, and if you spotted me in Starbucks today during lunch, don’t tell any of my friends, okay?

I don’t feel like writing today.

I wish I felt like writing something.

Is it the cold weather? Is it the season? Is it just the snowballing effect of recent events? I feel very… I dunno. Apathetic?

So I went out and hunted for something to cheer me up. This is what I found.

Hey, it works for me!

“I hate that place”

I hear that so often these days. From friends, from co-workers, from Twitter followers. Seems like everyone hates Facebook.

So why are so many people still using it?

I don’t post pictures there. I don’t upload video there. My only participation is to use it as a broadcast medium to point to the place where I control the universe. Here. I might share a link or two, but they’re also shared here as well. I don’t want Facebook to actually have any of my content. It’s mine. Not theirs. They don’t have any right to my family photos, my videos, my thoughts, my ideas. They make money off my stuff. If all of a sudden everyone stopped giving Facebook all their shit, Facebook would be completely value-less. Facebook’s whole value is wrapped up in your eyeballs. Increasingly, they’re becoming a walled garden. I saw a post the other day comparing them to AOL, and I thought, “that’s perfect”. AOL used to be a lot of people’s “internet experience”. You’d sign on to their world, play around in their playground, interact with their users, then log off. Once you started sniffing around outside their walls, they were essentially done. People went, “waitaminute, you mean there’s all THIS out there? Why didn’t you tell me?”. Then it was all over for AOL.

Seems like the same thing’s happening with Facebook.

It’s the end of the year. Time for people to start writing those “retrospective” posts looking back on “the year that was” and a lot of them seem to be themed around the idea of “moving on from Facebook”. People seem to be coming around to the idea that there’s life beyond 500 million users. That juggernauts can be stopped cold in their tracks. That there will be a “next big thing” and they’re already starting. That can’t bode well for Facebook, but it could be good for users.

See, I think, as an idea, Facebook’s great. Share shit with your friends and family. As a platform, it’s been great as what I would call, “the first iteration” of that idea. Sort of a “here’s how you do it and make it easy for people”. What I think it’s failed at miserably though, is the obvious obsession with monetizing the idea. In an effort to somehow get money out of an idea that’s inherently NOT a money making idea, they’ve had to open the “social graph” to people who weren’t part of your conversation in the first place.

I was talking with my friends and family. Who invited Coca-Cola and Toyota?

Then there’s the whole notion of Facebook making money off of my life. Seriously? You take my photos, my videos, my thoughts, my ideas… and you monetize them so YOU make money? And you don’t offer me a cut? How does that work?

Turns out it doesn’t. At least not very well. In order for Facebook to make that money, they’ve got to run completely counter to their idea. They have to open what was originally a very closed idea. I liked it when the idea was closed. I liked it when I had friends, I could share, they could share, and that was our world. Now, this whole, open platform environment runs counter to my comfort level and the comfort level of most users. You think I want all my friends to see my activity on Huffington Post? Do I want everyone I’m friends with on Facebook, business Friends, personal friends, family, to see what I like on Buzzfeed? You think that’s appropriate? I don’t. It’s also not the deal we signed up for.

So what happens now? Well, it’s anybody’s guess, but judging from some of the conversations out there, we won’t have to wait long to find out. There are a lot of really smart people out there who see this coming and are already working on solutions to “the Facebook problem”. I’m confident they’re smarter than Zuckerberg, too. Here’s the best part, you don’t have to “train” a new audience what the idea of Facebook is now. All you have to do is be the one who comes up with the next, “It’s Facebook, but better”.

“Wishery”

Magical.

Here’s how I imagine that conversation went down…

OPENING SCENE: SOME CANDY COMPANY BOARDROOM, MID-80s:

“Okay people, here’s the deal. Parents are having a shit-fit. We can’t sell sticks made out of sugar, with a little painted red-tip, packed into boxes designed to look like cigarettes, and call them ‘Candy Cigarettes’ anymore. It’s just not working. So we’ve got a machine downstairs that makes sticks out of sugar, and another machine that makes cigarette boxes. Any ideas? ”

“What about if we just call them ‘Sticks Made Out of Sugar’ instead?”

“You’re fired. Next?”

“I know! We’ll call them ‘Candy Sticks’. That way, it still has ‘candy’ in the name, and kids love sticks!”

“Okay, I like where you’re going with this. Now. What about the box machine? How do we work that into the mix?”

“We’ll print superheroes on the boxes. Kids love superheroes.”

“I like it, it’s a real win-win. Let’s go with that one…”

Candy... sticks?


Kids LOVE candy. Kids LOVE superheroes. Kids LOVE sticks. It's a no brainer, right?

“Where’s the camera? I need it…”

This weekend I’m sitting on the sofa, minding my business when a “supposed to be already in bed” little ball of energy come bounding around the corner.

“Dad, where’s the camera? I need it…”

Now I’m curious. Why would a 4-year old need a camera after nine at night?

“It’s in the diaper bag… why do you need it?”

“Because I’m going on a safari”

“…”

Well, apparently, over on Nick Jr., Olivia was going on a “wildlife safari”. Not the Ernest Hemingway type, mind you, but the safe, fun, “adventurous-for-your-four-year-old” kind. As someone who has actually gone to Africa and experienced a real life, “holy-shit-this-is-awesome”, life-changing Safari, I was intrigued, so I pressed further. “Are you prepared for your Safari?”, I asked. “Yes, I have a backpack, and a camera, and a map, and everything!”, she replied.

Good enough for me!

About 12 hours later, I’m going through the camera and I stumble across the below photos. All descriptions come directly from first-hand accounts of the dangerous expedition undertaken earlier that morning, while I slept. You owe it to yourself to read them: